Better Conversations the Vibe Experiment

We can ALL do better.

Last week I talked about our culpability in spreading a negative vibe. To look deeper into my contagious behavior, I did a little experiment. You don't know until you investigate!

Experiment Report

As I had conversations last week, I kept a little note on my phone of the overall tone of the discussion, if I joined into the negative spiral of talk, and any notes. I only tracked phone conversations as I found that was easier. I was at local and state meetings during this time, and it might have looked a little weird if I had started taking notes after every in-person meeting.

Here is the raw data (for the data nerds):

• I tracked 14 conversations.

• They were all with people I know.

• 7 of the conversations were all positive.

• 2 were primarily negative.

• 5 were a mix of positive and negative.

• I only joined in the negative conversation 4 times, and I was mainly able to steer conversations towards solutions (more on that, though).

Observational Data

My mood and energy affect how I converse and lead/manage my conversational flow. I'm not having good conversations if I am tired, tender, or hungry.

Folks I talk to are also affected by their mood and energy. Suppose people aren't consistently getting good sleep, eating well, exercising, they are stressed, depressed, or anxious, and not feeling seen and validated in their work and personal lives. In that case, they cannot bring their best selves to a conversation. That was evident in many of my conversations; one or more things were going on that were possibly never mentioned.

It might be helpful and meaningful with the people we know well to check in with their immediate wellbeing before we begin any conversation. Because if they are hangry or exhausted, they aren't able to connect, and knowing that could alleviate their mood sweeping over into the discussion.

When there is a lot of rehashing of past hurts or when we are stuck in the same story loop and can't get out rather than talking about it again, it might be helpful to take care of some physical needs. It feels like we are doing something if we are rehashing a story, but it might just be embedding the same patterns and storyline into our psyche without actually moving us out of anything. Plus, it is boring AF.

Where is the purpose? The best conversations were around a goal. It could be that they are telling me about a new project or idea they have, we were solving a problem, or they were telling me about their passion or something they were excited about doing. Those kinds of conversations light me up. When it was just drawn-out conversations - because we were both tired, hungry, etc. - the whole mood dropped.

I'm part of the problem. I make calls when I'm tired and hungry or unfocused, and that causes that downward spiral of energy. Maybe it could just be an email? Or I could wait to make the call or have the conversation when I'm fresher.

Who's Responsible?

We all are. We are all responsible for the energy we bring to any situation. Whether that is a date with our sweetie, a work meeting, an event, a phone call, or an appointment - we are all responsible for how we show up.

Knowing we are responsible is one thing and taking stock of how we are showing up is another.

I neglected my emotional and physical needs for work and relationships for years. I thought that was some particular class of martyr or saint (you can decide). And because of that, I made a mess of so many moments. I could have brought so much more to the table if I had understood and had the safety and security to take care of myself first (you know, the airplane mask speech).

I didn't have that before; I am making time for it now. I believe our conversations matter to the bigger picture of our lives, community, and nation.

It was clear from my little experiment that we are all not paying as much attention to how we talk with one another as we could. We aren't as straightforward or thoughtful with one another as we could be, and the impact of that is a continued down vibe that gets passed like a virus. I'm not saying we can't have venting sessions or down moments. The full range of emotional states is valuable to our overall mental health and relationship building. If someone was just upbeat all the time and hid their fear, grief, or depression from you - especially if you are close - you don't have an honest conversation or relationship.

But what would it look like if we first took care of our own needs before we picked up the phone or entered the conversation? And what would it look like if we asked permission to vent or complain before launching in and seeing if the other person can hold that for us? I know all of that might be new or awkward, but I think it might be a valuable way to proceed.

What could that look like practically? It could be a text, "Hey, do you have a minute to help me solve a problem?" It could be a check-in at the beginning of the conversation, "I'm having a tough time. Do you have space to listen for a minute?" I know. Awkward as hell. And new and scary. And weird. But what if we tried it. Just as an experiment. You know I love a good experiment. How might that change how we are passing along our vibe? Would it help the tone of our lives and those that we touch?

How are your conversations? Are they lighting you up? Do you feel like you are Debbie Downer, or do you get off the phone with her whenever you talk to someone or everyone? I want to know how you are navigating your conversations. We can learn from one another and if you have a tip or idea, tell us that, too.

As always, I love you.

Find me in these places: Speaking at the Missouri Downtown Revitalization Conference on Design Thinking for your Main Street and Arkansas Women's Photographers Conference on Building a Better Business.

And I'd love to be on your podcast, speak at your conference or facilitate your organization's next big thing - reply back and let's talk about what is possible.