Don't take the bait.
I was watching Hannah Gadsby's second Netflix comedy special, Douglas, with my husband this week and I had a huge epiphany. Which happens often when I watch comedy. She was telling the audience not to take the bait of what she was going to say later in the show. If someone had told me the strategy of not taking the bait I might have been a much happier person over the years. I had no idea that was a a strategy you could employ in your own life. But, wow, now that I do, it is my mantra!
I live, and this should be no surprise to people who either live here or know about our fun quirky town, in a community that can be highly toxic. I have lots of theories around why, but mostly it is that we reward behavior that is adolescent at best and harmful at worst by giving it the most attention. I have given talks about how to handle this throughout the country at conferences and, for some reason, I missed the very obvious strategy of "don't take the bait".
Here's how "taking the bait" plays out in my life:
A friend (sometime I wonder at that title, but let's say friend), colleague or team mate will text me something that they know at some level will get a rise out of me. They then wait for my reaction which, really until the last week, I gave them. Then I'm a bit spun out emotionally and have to reel myself in (weird how all of this is fishing analogies, but whatever) and I've wasted precious energy on something, usually, that I can't change, fix or attend to in anyway.
It happens over and over.
Because, in the past, like last week, I would give them that emotional response they keep coming back to me for more. It's like I'm their entertainment, jolt of coffee or other buzz.
I feel so stupid, really, but it never dawned on me that I could do that differently. But, as the guru Oprah says, you do better when you know better.
Three Strategies for Not Taking the Bait:
Ignoring the damn text. Seriously. Who knew that I could just delete it? Not respond. Go about my day. I did this last week and they texted me again to try to keep egging me on. I just deleted that, too. They didn't want anything REAL from me. They weren't asking for me to do anything except spew emotions out. Nope. Delete.
Telling them nope. I texted back one "friend" (see now I'm putting them in quotes because are they?) that I was having a too good a day and they weren't going to get me. It worked. They left me alone.
Telling them that you aren't going to take the bait anymore. With another team mate I picked up the phone and just told them that I wasn't going to give into this kind of talking any more. I just see it for what it is and it isn't productive. I think they were bummed and it probably won't end for a bit, but I put the line in the sand.
What about me? Do I do this to other people? Yep. And I noticed it's when I'm tired or a little board. Want to pump up the juice? Call a friend and zap them with a zinger that you know riles them up. Text them to see their eyes pop out. So, next level is not serving the bait. If I don't want people to play these kinds of games with me I can't justify playing them on them.
So, what about the folks that aren't toxic, but are clueless? Honestly, it still packs the emotional punch, but I try to have empathy for folks who aren't very skilled with understanding where things land with other people. Like Hannah Gadsby, I know my fair share of adult autistic people or ADHD folks who might have some challenges understanding the emotional impact of what they are saying. I try to give them some grace. Hard to do sometimes, but it does make it less stinging.
What about you? Do you ever take the bait? Do you dish it out? I'd love to know more.
I'll be live on Facebook at noon on Wednesday to chat about this because I'm super interested now in how we unlearn this behavior. Join me! It's a short break to boost your hump day.
As always, let's #DoGoodWork
and I hope to see you over on Insta!
xo - Jackie Wolven
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Why is this called "the Sunday Sermon"? I send it out on Sunday, but mostly it's my way of fulfilling my life long wish to be a Unitarian minister. That path didn't materialize for me and instead I share my mistakes, life journey through professional and personal development here with the hope of uplifting and spreading the gospel of #DoGoodWork around the world.