Drowning in Other People's Ideas
TL;DR We can feel overwhelmed and defensive and develop a pattern of dismissing ideas without proper consideration, leading to frustration from everyone. Let's change that.
This is a story about leadership, but we all take in ideas all day from everyone. This can be your partner, parents, in-laws, strangers, coworkers, or your kids - a flood of ideas and suggestions always comes at us. Instead of being frustrated and defensive, I have some suggestions. Read on.
In my early leadership journey, I thought I had to do everything people wanted. In addition, as a woman conditioned to society's idea of people pleasing, it felt like an impossible burden. Inevitably, people had suggestions or ideas, and because I was so overwhelmed by the job's actual work, I would become defiant, really like a toddler, in my stance of no. It was self-preservation from a muddy job description and a role much more extensive than my experience, skills, or training had landed me in.
I couldn't admit I was floundering and couldn't figure out who I would ask for help, so I became a general and created massive boundaries. At any moment, I felt bombarded by other people's ideas.
I am super pro boundaries, but this wasn't thoughtful; this was survival.
And it had terrible consequences.
I didn't grow as a leader. I pushed well-meaning people away. I burned out. When you create boundaries out of panic because you aren't settled in the foundation of your work and your role, you develop fortresses that cannot be breached by you or by people who could help.
We are just trying to keep swimming when we are out of our depth. We often can't even see the life-saving device thrown out to us. I know I was trying so hard and just felt like drowning. Saying no was the only way I had a little bit of control of the situation.
Fast forward to today and how I see and deal with this now as a leader and a member of my community.
In our community, I see this defiant stance in leadership all of the time.
How it usually plays out is that someone has an idea. Yes, that idea probably needs to be made aware of all the nuance and intricacies surrounding it, but they are excited because they have an idea.
They share that idea with a leader, and that leader has their arms crossed and is ready for battle because of their understanding of their role, the work they are doing, the position they have, and the boundaries of that are blurred.
They tell the person no. There is no reason usually. Just no. No, that can't be done. No, that isn't a good idea. No, we tried that. How often have you heard or said, "No, we tried that?"
The person tries to defend their idea. They may rally others around their idea but usually leave the meeting frustrated and unheard.
Then, they repeat that repeatedly because the leader never gets the foundational support they need to do their job. They are alienating the community and discouraging participation.
What are some solutions to this cycle?
It is essential to be clear about the role and function of the leader, what they are responsible for, and what they are not.
Create pathways for leaders to continue training in communication, leadership, community, and organizational development.
Having an actual framework for individuals to pursue an idea they have continues beyond an immediate no.
Here are some tips for handling enthusiastic change-makers and idea-givers:
When you are in a meeting with ideas being presented, listen. You aren't being asked to do everything all at once. You are being asked to listen to the ideas. Ideas are just thoughts being shared in the air. They don't have plans, budgets, or scope and don't have to be acted on if it isn't an emergency. So, your job as a leader is to listen.
It can help to write the ideas down while they are being presented. It shows you are taking them seriously and you are interested.
Uncross your arms. I often have my arms crossed because of three things: I'm cold, I have been trained culturally to cover my boobs when men are talking to me (goodness, that could be a post all on its own), or I'm feeling defensive. It doesn't matter why you are crossing your arms. It looks like you are ready to fight. Open your arms and flex your fingers.
If you are a leader and you have the opportunity to create or adopt a framework for listening to ideas, do it. This could be a form on your website with follow-up meetings. It could be a suggestion box in a physical place. You could host idea sessions regularly. If you allow yourself to provide others with the rules of engagement, you set the game for everyone to win. If you need help developing this, I can help with that.
Do not say no immediately. Buy yourself time. Say, that sounds interesting—anything, but no. Allow the idea maker to understand how you might consider their idea. This could be a follow-up meeting; you might suggest you need more discovery or information, you might spin it off to another team to research, or you might say you will bring it up at the next leadership meeting. It doesn't matter how you help them understand that you heard them and are going to follow up - it's just essential you figure out how to help that person feel heard. And the idea might be good when you aren't drowning in being overwhelmed.
If you are on the receiving end of an idea that someone thinks you should do and you need to be in the space mentally to receive that information, tell them. Tell the person this isn't a good time and tell them when they can share their idea with you. You do not have to listen every time someone has a thought. Set a time to receive that idea when it is convenient for you.
How to be an enthusiastic idea maker and get your ideas heard by anyone:
If you are the person sharing the idea and start to get defensive, remember that you are just sharing an idea. You don't understand the entire scope either, but you are excited. Be excited, not angry.
Ask, "Is this a good time to share an idea?" Be mindful of when and where you share your ideas. Timing can play a crucial role in how receptive people are to new concepts.
Have confidence in your ideas and believe that they have value. If you don't believe in your ideas, convincing others to do so will be challenging.
You may think your idea is perfect, but once it is presented, it's essential that you are open to iteration. Be open to feedback and willing to adapt your ideas based on input from others.
Demonstrate the value of your ideas through action. If you can show tangible results or successes related to your ideas, others will be more likely to notice and listen to what you say.
Be reasonable and look to paths of collaboration and consensus around your idea. If your stance is that your idea is the only way, it may take a lot of work to get people on your side.
People don't want to be rotten leaders. I know I didn't. My role models were horrible. I grew up in the time of Steve Jobs, who threw massive tantrums to get his way, and Princess Di, although lovely, was massively unhappy with all the people-pleasing she had to do.
It is only through rebuilding my leadership journey with skills, healthy boundaries, and a foundation of genuine support that I can relax into my role and not be a gatekeeper of ideas and creativity. I continue to do personal development work along with the work needed professionally. It's truly a journey and not a destination.
How is it for you? Do you see that defiant leadership style in your organizations or communities? How do you handle the steady flow of ideas or other people's enthusiasm? How do you handle it, and has it been a struggle?
Speaking/Facilitation - Does your team or group need help developing a framework to receive ideas? I can do that. Let’s talk.
Paintings - I have been painting tissue paper for future collage paper, and it’s hanging in my studio. You can follow along on Instagram Stories.
Sharing - Did you know that March 20th is Won't You Be My Neighbor Day? Check this out. I've been looking for a cool Mister Rogers shirt for a while. If you know where I can find one, let me know!