Do you remember Slime? It was a gross green gel-like substance that was, I think, made super popular by Nickelodeon, but I am at least 20 years older than the heyday of Rugrats and getting slimed, so I'm pretty sure we had it before that. I remember being grossed out by the idea of it. I mean, who wants a plastic tub of goo?
Which is totally how I've been feeling for the last several days. Why does anyone want to be slimed? And why are we sliming each other?
Hang with me here.
What I'm talking about is the terrible habit of spreading discontent. It's precisely like Slime. It sticks to the spreader, picks up all kinds of debris, and then sticks to whoever is the victim of the sliming. Here's how it has worked in the last several days in my world:
The Shit Stirrer: A friend called upset because someone shared a tidbit with them that they had overheard, sure to upset my friend. They knew it would, and they shared it anyway. They didn't give context; they didn't add to the picture; they just slimed them and moved along. And, of course, my friend was troubled. They had heard this disturbing thing, didn't know what to do with it, and didn't know how to get rid of it. Just. Like. Slime.
The Storyteller: Then someone tried to slime me. They texted me in a tizzy with a partial story. When I dug a little deeper, more information came forward, yet I was left feeling like they wanted me to do something - but they didn't. They just wanted to slime me.
The Doubt Spreader: Then another person called me asking if I thought something I had worked on went as well as I wanted. They said it, though with the tone that it didn't appear in their eyes and shouldn't I be disappointed. That was super Slime and left me covered in goo, wondering if what I had worked so hard on really was good enough.
Why do people do this? I think it's a form of projection, which is just a fancy therapy word to put your feelings on someone else so that you can deal with them in some safe way. In other words, they use you to work out something for themselves.
However, please don't get all high and mighty because we all do it. We all have issues that seem too hot for us to handle, and one way we "deal" with them is to spread them to someone else so that they aren't quite as hot, and then we can try to work through them.
So, that goo is you being used or you using someone else. Ick, right.
So how did I help/handle the three scenarios?
The Shit Stirrer: With the friend who had been slimed, I told her to go to the source before making up more stories or spreading more unfound gossip. That is always my go-to. Dealing directly with a story takes the impact away.
The Storyteller: I told them next time, if they felt the need to share with me, tell me the problem and their solution. I'm just not interested in the drama.
The Doubt Spreader: The person who subtly dissed my work? Well. I felt terrible but realized it was their stuff (projection), not mine. But if I could tell everyone in the world not to do this, I would because it feels terrible to have to defend the project, event, program, or offering. If you are putting doubt on the team or person involved does nothing but create discord.
I know I can't make up the rules for everyone. This week was just a reminder to me not to do this. Don't spread the Slime, and if I get caught up in someone else's goo, shake it off.
Bonus section: What can we do instead of sharing the Slime or projecting our stuff onto others?
Write it out. Instead of picking up the phone, open up a document and write or type out what you are feeling. It doesn't have to be long, and no one has to see it. Just tap away what you are feeling and get it out in a way that doesn't sting anyone else.
Go for a walk. Just move your body in some way. Getting active gets you out of your head and in storytelling mode. Ten minutes around the block or down the street and back can change your outlook.
Hold your tongue. If you are about to spread something because that is that habit. Break the habit by shutting up. Just don't say it. Stirring up trouble, causing problems, and projecting your issues are just habits, and you can change your habits.
These are all just reminders for me, too. I'm trying to stop myself from working out my problems on unsuspecting folks, and at the very least, I can cap the can of Slime from spreading.
Tell me your story. Do you have Slime spreaders in your universe? Have you been one? Are you working to break that habit? Share in the comments, and we can learn from one another.
I’ve been submitting proposals to speak at various conferences and working on my 100-word bio. This is where I landed. If you could use my help send me a note and let’s chat.
Jackie Wolven is a community creator, brand specialist, and inspiring keynote speaker. She is the director of Main Street Eureka Springs in Downtown Eureka Springs, Arkansas. Jackie is also the founder and owner of Do Good Work Studio, where she develops her art practice, placemaking programming using haiku, community design thinking exercises, and marketing strategy for clients nationwide. Her philosophy is that loving where we are and doing good work builds a strong personal and communal foundation, and her gift is helping real people and places find that within themselves. You can find her jackiewolven.com.