Let's talk about that *itch
I don't use the word bitch. I was never in a group of girlfriends that used that term with any kind of fondness or power. I see it, instead, as a derogatory statement levied against women. I mean, come on, it's the name of a female dog and however much I love dogs, I do not love that as a title.
My disdain for the word bitch comes not only from that, but because it has been levied against me throughout my career. Don't like my power? Call me a bitch. Don't like that I'm standing up for progress. Call me a bitch. Don't think I'm nice enough, sweet enough, girly enough, small enough, powerless enough... call me a bitch.
I get it. People feel uncomfortable around women that assert their power. We live in a patriarchy and upsetting that structure means you have to disempower women.
Why am I even talking about it now? It doesn't matter your politics, a male congressman on the steps of congress talking to the press called Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the congressperson from New York, a bitch. How ugly is that? Have we have lost all kinds of respect for others that we call our colleagues names? The thing thought is that she stood up for herself and for all women. She stood up on the floor of Congress and said that just because you have a wife and a daughter doesn’t mean that you are a decent man.
Is it abuse? Yep. It's verbal abuse. It's a systematic way to undermine the work of women in the world by demoralizing them. Is it ok? Obviously, not.
We teach children that name-calling is never ok. We repeat that throughout their whole childhoods. We know that demoralizing others through name-calling is disrespectful and dehumanizing, which is why we don't allow it on playgrounds and classrooms.
Where do we go from here? We have to learn to disagree without dehumanizing. It is absolutely ok that we disagree on things - you may totally be a Ranch Dorito person and we all know that Nacho Cheese is the best. We can disagree about that and not dwindle down to some 13-year-old version of us calling each other names. And we can disagree on bigger stuff.
We can practice saying things like:
"It seems like we are starting at really different points here. Maybe we need to see where the common ground is."
"You seem really charged about this issue. Me, too. Maybe we need to take a break for a bit and come back when we aren't so upset."
"It's ok that you like your thing and I like my thing."
"I don't think this is something we are going to agree on. We can stop here.
"I don't have a middle ground on this. I really believe I'm right and I think we can just move on."
EXPERIMENT: Catch yourself this week. Think about the most frustrating person you know and see somewhat regularly. It can be a politician, frenemy, celebrity... whomever. Whenever you see that person online or in person catch yourself name calling them. "Stupid, idiot, jerk, bitch..." and see if you can stop it in your mind. It takes practice. Getting out of the habit of name-calling will take practice. If you can start to catch yourself thinking it maybe you can stop yourself form saying it.
Why do this? Because, honestly, it's up to us to have a better world. A world where people disagree on ideas, but don't villanize everyone. We can have a world where we are adults using our skills rather than children running amuck. You aren't going to like everyone and that is ok, but you also don't have to dehumanize them with your words. You have the power to change this... let's experiment and catch it before it explodes out of our mouths.
Join me Wednesday at Noon to chat about that on Facebook Live. I'd love to hear how you stood up for yourself, when have you been called names in work or in life and what you did, how you are doing with this experiment to stop it in your minds, and how you stood up for others in your life. Do you think we should take the word back? Own it? Let's talk!
As always, let's #DoGoodWork
and I hope to see you over on Insta!
xo - Jackie Wolven
I've been doing a lot of small business and artist consulting - if you are wanting to pivot, launch or need someone to talk through and idea I am available. Connect and let's see how we can work together.
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