Oh, right. When I try to control situations, people... that's when I'm unhappy. Got it.
I've been thinking about when I'm unhappy. Like, what am I doing that is making me unhappy. There are times I'm disappointed because I didn't get what I thought I wanted, but that isn't unhappiness... it's disappointment in an expectation. We can talk all about that at another time.
I'm unhappy, almost to a default, when I want to change or really control someone else. It's futile because I can't. Not really. And that compounds the unhappiness.
How does this come up?
Your neighbor paints their front door a shade of orange that is "wrong".
You see someone on Instagram having a bridal party during Covid and you wonder if they got tested before or will after. (Oh, Covid brings out all the control thoughts.)
Your partner has a habit that makes you crazy and you think they should just fix it. Eye roll.
Your kiddo splats out in the middle of the floor and won't budge at bedtime.
A co-worker doesn't pull their weight on a project.
Any of those resonate for you?
Mostly, I could leave all of that alone. None of it is life shattering and doesn't need my input or energy. Even the kid rolling around on the carpet. If I just let it alone it would end. They won't roll around on the carpet forever.
It's when I think I have a better solution, dwell on this, worse, try to insert myself somewhere that I go from observing to unhappy.
Why can't they just... Sound familiar?
And this is compounded a million zillion times on social media. In our OWN lives we might not have that many instances of things we can't control, but when we look online at the news or social media we are bombarded with instances where our brain is trying to make sense of it all. And that making sense usually isn't just a casual observation it is a need to change/control the situation. But we can't because that isn't our life. They could be complete strangers and we are just weirdly viewing their lives through a square photo. And we can't control strangers.
Here's an experiment, go open your front door and see all the people, things, ideas that you can control. Even if you live in the busiest of cities your view is limited. In my world in the middle of the Ozark mountains it's a view of trees and an old barn. That's it. What if we, just for a tiny bit of time, dropped our need to change or control things outside of that view? What if we focused on what we can see out of our own front door?
This experiment is ongoing over here as I tackle my scrolling and input from media. My life itself is pretty happy... and honestly, I'd like to have more of that and less need to control (even my partners habits).
If you try this or have thoughts on what is making you unhappy right now I'd love to know about it. In a culture that pushes "just be happy" I think we might be better off looking at what is actually making us unhappy and changing that. This is just one small thing that I'm doing and I'd love to know what you are doing.
As always! Do Good Work and I'll see you over on Instagram where I'm trying to just be real.
Jackie Wolven
If you are in Northwest Arkansas and an Artist or Maker (or know one) I'm facilitating a new monthly virtual meet up. We have Mrs. Emily coming on to talk about her fashion business that she is handcrafting from Illinois through a global partnership. She's great - I think you will like her a lot. Register here
And if you are a small business in Northwest Arkansas we are hosting a free taming the content monster workshop with my good friend and super pro Keisha McKinney. You can register for that here.
For those inclined I'll be back on Facebook Live on Wednesday at noonish to chat about this idea of unhappiness and how we can tame our need to control folks around us... and that wild world we live in. I have a few tips of things that are working for me that might be helpful for you, too. I'd love to see you there.