Step Off the Soul Sucking Self Help Cycle
What would our lives look like if we started a counter revolution of self acceptance and love for our lives?
Maybe it's because it is so close to Valentine's Day or because I read romance novels regularly, but I am filled with the idea that more love is needed, and we might have it all right now.
I'm struck by the idea of what life mightlife might be like if we liked our lives as they are. What if we liked our work, our partners, our homes, and our towns?
This idea is a fundamental shift in how we operate in our lives, to come from a core place of liking who we are, what we have, and where we are. If I'm honest, it's a punk rock move because everything about American society says that you aren't actually loveable. You are probably dissatisfied with your work, family, home, and community, and it's on you to continually try to fix or change it.
It's stacked against you from the start. The entire system of rugged individualism that we buy into says that we can and will make our lives better, but what if it's already pretty great? How do we adjust our thinking from having to fix something to enjoying what we are and what we have?
The self-help industry, which includes corporate professional development, the therapy industry, media, and all of the messaging we receive says that if we achieve more, do better than we were, fix something about ourselves, change our weight, be more productive, do more we will finally be happy. The problem with this is that you never get to the finish line. There is ALWAYS something to make better.
Don't get me wrong; I support doing work to uncover ourselves, become healthier versions of who we started as, and disentangle ourselves from generational trauma. I also recognize that fundamental problems in our communities are embedded in systems that need to be dismantled. There is work that needs to be done, but it isn't the only story or task at hand.
But what if it is also beautiful, just as it is? What if you are doing fantastic, just as you are? What if your community is also thriving in so many precious ways? How are we aligning ourselves to embrace those things?
I am on the receiving end of both people not satisfied with themselves and unhappy about their community. I hear it all. In the past, I, too, came from a place of dissatisfaction and worked myself in circles to try to fix it. This place of dissatisfaction is where we commiserate and connect, but it is also soul-sucking.
Let's get real. Do you want to hang out with people who don't think they are worthy or live in a place where all anyone talks about are the problems? You probably hang out with those people, but are they helping you see your value and beauty, or are they embedding the groove of not being good enough deeper into your psyche and soul?
Wouldn't it be entirely revolutionary to break away from the culture of being on a hamster wheel of improvement and instead land in a place of acceptance and, even better, joy?
How might we encourage that in ourselves and others?
Could we ask people what good thing they are enjoying when we are in conversation?
Could we say to ourselves positive words of affirmation like, "I am doing fantastic," "I am beautiful," and "I love where I am in my life today?"
Could we hone in on what we love about our friends, family, coworkers, and work? What about where we live? Could we find what is working and shine more light on that?
What if we stopped following all the self-helpers on Instagram, watching them in the media, and buying their books?
What if we asked people what they loved about their partner, work, and places they lived instead of cycling down into the problems?
I'm not talking about toxic positivity and not paying attention to red flags, gut feelings, and actual problems. That work is ongoing to extract ourselves from bad relationships, right wrongs in society, and deal with complex situations. But if we are constantly feeding the idea to ourselves that we aren't good enough and need to be fixed, how are we going to do that more complex, sustained work?
I think it is a braver place to be a little imperfect but love ourselves anyway. In fact, I think it is a revolutionary idea.
Fun things I've been up to: I'm painting a series called The Animal Queendom, and you can follow along on Instagram Stories, where I share that. I'm booked to speak at Main Street Now on Wildly Inclusive Messy Boards and How to Create Them, and it looks like I’m booked to speak in Hot Springs in October. Are you planning a meeting or conference or have a group that needs a facilitator or speaker? Let's talk. I'd love to come.