Transactional vs. Relational Thinking
TL:DR: Building Webs, Not Transactions: Exploring Mindsets in Professional Relationships. It Might Not be about getting what you think you deserve.
Let's talk about Transactional Thinkers, and yes, I will spill the dirt on how this came up this week. First, do you see the relationships you have as primarily transactional? Do you do a favor to get a favor? Or do you have the lens that people are using you to get what they want? Last week, I had several conversations that transformed and crystallized my understanding of how I view the world, and NEWSFLASH isn't like that. I see the world as relational rather than as transactional.
What is the difference between transactional relationships and relational relationships? In a transactional relationship, each person does things for the other, expecting to get something in return. It's give and take with a bit of quid pro quo. Each person is willing to help the other—as long as the favor is returned immediately or later—tit for tat.
Relational relationships are about building relationships with the people around you that have nothing to do with keeping score. I'm building a giant network of lights, and we give and take based on need. Without an expectation, we will get something of equal value in return. It also has to do with my belief that the more we share our knowledge, power, and access—the greater our knowledge, power, and access are—if I horde that, I'm not doing anything to grow either myself or anyone else.
Three bad conversations or the realization that I am ultimately in a different world—where I want to be—but let's say it was awkward, aka The Dirt.
Conversation One—Nonprofit Not Paying Off: I was listening to a call from nonprofit leaders who said they weren't getting anything from being on the board. There didn't seem to be any uptick in their personal consulting business, and they just didn't see the point of being there.
Wowza. First, serving on a nonprofit board isn't about your gain; it's about serving the organization's mission. If you aren't there for that purpose and are just thinking about what you can get out of it, you are missing the entire point of nonprofit work. Sure, there can be benefits professionally and personally serving with a nonprofit, but that is never the expectation, and, honestly, that board needs to do an annual review of their conflict of interest policy (which is required by the IRS 990, by the way.)
Conversation Two - You're Being Used: Someone recently told a peer I was using them. It's hard even to process that information, but it caused the receiver to question my authenticity and actions. First, I don't think of the world this way at all, but it was excellent information that other people do think of the world that way. They believe that if you are collaborating or asking for a partnership, you are trying to get something not stated in the ask. So, there is a level of secretness to this way of thinking. I can't imagine the time or energy it takes to make stories like that up about people.
It caused my peer a lot of suffering and strain, but we talked through it. Helping people understand that I see the world differently and am working to build an ecosystem of influence that everyone can tap into is so counter to Transactional Thinking that I had to become clear about it for myself. Good, but also good lord.
Conversation Three - Where's mine?: I was talking to a colleague, and they have board members who are always trying to make everything fair, although that is different from what is going on; they want their lions to share and need to look at all of the intricacies of fairness. That is Transactional Thinking at its core. They don't discern that needs are not equal. People, communities, businesses, and systems aren't apples to apples - some need more resources than others at different times. If you are running through the world thinking everyone started in the same place and equality is the answer, you might be a Transactional Thinker, too. And if you are only fighting for your marbles, you aren't interested in playing an equitable game.
How can knowing if someone is operating through the world as a Transactional Thinker help?
Learning how to communicate with someone who expects a return for anything they provide means being very clear about your deliverable. They see the world as one big "this for that," so if you or they are giving something, ask what is expected in return or state what you desire. This can be very tricky for people who are not Transactional thinkers, but the clarity will help down the line.
Transactional thinkers keep score. They know how much you are getting and how much they are getting, and if that balance isn't even, they tend to hold grudges and can become difficult to reach a consensus with. Which is why understanding the expectations is so helpful. They may still be mad that they had to give five marbles and you only gave three, but if the expectations are clear, there isn't much room for constant grumbling.
You get to choose who you spend your energy with. The one plus about a transactional thinker is that because every interaction is a sale of goods and services, you can limit your thinking and expansive energy with them. They won't appreciate it or know what to do with it.
The good stuff is that I see MORE Relational Thinking in the millennials and younger ones. They have had to become more dependent on the more extensive network around them, which has built some excellent skills.
Every national room I'm in talks about Ecosystem Building - this, in and of itself, is Relational Thinking. Building these complex networks of interconnectedness is radical thinking in the mine-only world. But that thinking is becoming the dominant voice.
There is value in understanding who you are dealing with, and the moment you realize the person you are interacting with is only thinking about how it will affect them and what they can get in return that can ease you from creating longer-lasting relationships. It just saves you energy and time.
Tell me, are you a Transactional Thinker or a Relational Thinker? Are you different in different situations?