Thank you to everyone who responded about their city meetings. Keep the data coming. Also, a huge thank you to my paid subscribers. You make this possible - it’s just the nudge I need to know that my work matters. Your subscriptions helped me take the leap to sign up for dental and vision insurance - something we have needed for years. Your financial support does make a difference.
As I start writing my book, I’ve been thinking about how we relate to our places and what happens in them. Sometimes, the things that happen are things you are into, and others, not so much. The question is, do the moments that it isn’t meeting your needs outweigh the times it is?
In my community last week, there was a massive car show. Folks came from all over, showed their cars, drove around in their cars, showed off in their cars, revved their engines, had a two-hour parade, and came to have a great time around the shared bonding of having the same kind of car.
As you might be able to tell, this is not my kind of thing. I’m not a car person. It baffles me, honestly. But, with the thousands of cars present, I can also honestly say that I was in the minority of that feeling that weekend. I was irritated that they were blocking traffic, but I also recognized their shared joy in being part of a thing. That is what people ultimately want, right? To belong. And to belong to this particular group, you only have to buy this kind of car. It’s a very low bar to entry.
Our need to belong is in our DNA. We always try to determine if the people we know are “our people.” We leave crumbs of information around us, like toddlers eating graham crackers.
In 1995, two researchers, Baumeister and Leary, wrote a landmark paper on the need to belong. None of those findings have been changed and have driven much of the work on the pandemic of loneliness and isolation. They stated that the desire to belong and form interpersonal attachments is a fundamental human motivation and was identified as a universal human need stemming deeply from our ancestral roots.
It makes so much sense why people buy the car, join the group, travel to the town, show the car, drive the car, and join the parade. All of that is a deep need to belong. Those folks get it, and they are getting their needs met.
And so, in this instance, I have to repeatedly say good for them, not for me. In other words, I’m happy they have found their squad. Maybe, if I were to unearth it a little more, I would find a trickle of jealousy that I do not have that same easy entry to belonging.
So, although my community has many weekends filled with folks who might not be part of groups I’m interested in being part of, it’s compelling that they have used these groups to meet their need to belong. They are convening in my community because they sense that we celebrate that need to belong.
What’s happening in your community that might not be your cup of tea, but you totally see the sense of belonging that’s happening? I’m curious. And conversely, what groups do you belong to, and how did you join?
Book Update: I figure as I begin the process of writing a book, I will take you along the journey. Writing is incredibly solitary, and having you along will feel less isolating. I’ve written the initial table of contents and a “why” about the book.
Love Where You Are: To help people realize that the places they are are the playgrounds they always wanted to play in and that they have the agency to make them theirs. Focusing on what works and how we can engage with our communities will build a more significant network for good, make personal connections, grow the communities we care about, and live in greater peace.
We often get trapped thinking about “if only” our community were better. “If only” we had more of this and less of that. “If only” there were more resources. “If only” robs us of our ability to make meaning in the places we are by discounting the experiences and attributes. Instead, we can build the muscle of building, amplifying, and encouraging our places to be the bright spots they are, and like all new regimens, it takes practice and courage.
My goal for the book is to outline options to shine our lights on the places we call home through exercises, opportunities, and stories. Ultimately, I hope you will reengage in the places you call home and fall deeper in love with your life.