Shine Bright Baby
TL;DR Been told to to tone down your authenticity and conform to narrow expectations? Let's advocate for celebrating authenticity and creating spaces where everyone can shine brightly without apology.
Amid the Eclipse 2024 frenzy here in Arkansas, it's impossible not to reflect on the pervasive societal notion that we should temper ourselves, shrink our presence, and dim our lights to make others comfortable. The narrative has seeped into workplaces, relationships, and even our internal dialogues. As I recall past reviews and feedback received at work, I can't help but notice a common thread: the pressure to dial down my authenticity and enthusiasm, particularly voiced by men who found my assertiveness and individuality unsettling.
Admittedly, I internalized these critiques, attempting to mold myself into a more palatable version of myself. Yet, upon deeper reflection and years of personal work in therapy, I've realized the insidious nature of such advice. It wasn't merely a suggestion for improvement; it was a subtle attempt to stifle my voice and diminish my presence, rooted in the discomfort some individuals feel when confronted with unabashed authenticity.
This discomfort is intricately linked to the patriarchal structures that dictate societal norms and expectations. By admonishing individuals to "tone it down," we perpetuate a system that thrives on conformity and control, particularly concerning marginalized voices. As a feminist, I'm acutely aware of the damaging implications of asking individuals, especially women, to shrink themselves to fit into narrow, predefined boxes.
Let's be clear: I'm not advocating for diva-like behavior or unchecked ego. Instead, I'm championing the right for individuals to fully embrace their passions, quirks, and complexities without fear of reprisal. The notion of being "too much" is, in itself, a flawed construct—one that fails to appreciate the multifaceted nature of human expression.
Recognizing the warning signs is crucial. When someone suggests you're "too much," what they're really saying is that you're too much for them—too challenging, too bold, too unapologetically yourself. And that's okay. It's a signal that perhaps you're simply not aligned or that they need to confront their own biases and discomfort.
When we perpetuate the narrative of dimming one's light, we rob individuals of the opportunity to shine authentically. For women in leadership roles, in particular, this pressure to conform can have profound consequences, stifling innovation, creativity, and confidence. It creates a suffocating echo chamber where every word and action is second-guessed—a far cry from the bold, decisive leadership our world desperately needs.
Instead of asking individuals to shrink themselves, let's create spaces where everyone can thrive in their fullness. Let's celebrate the diversity of voices, perspectives, and talents that make our workplaces and communities vibrant and resilient. It's time to embrace authenticity, unapologetically and unequivocally, because when we shine brightly, we illuminate the path for others to do the same.
I hope you have your Eclipse glasses if you are in the "path of totality" - that's a light you don't want to look at. But you, dear friend, shine bright because we need every damn light we can get in this world.
And extra - if you HAVE been told to soften, be less, tone it down, I'd be super curious to hear your story.
Listening: This full-circle Arkansas Roots song has me all in my feelings, and I can't get enough of it. This is my church.
Watching: I am a mega fan of Benjamin Franklin, you know, the guy with the key and kite, and can not wait to see him played by Michael Douglas on Apple TV. It starts April 11th, and I'll be binging that. Also, I'm not going to lie; I've been stalking the Outlander universe as they begin filming Season 8. Swoon.
New To Me: My friend told me we should eat xylitol mints after eating to protect our teeth, so I got these.
Deep Dive: I can't stop thinking about this Brene Brown podcast. Our relationship with social media is whack, and we don't want to talk about it. How we consume information or "content" is not great. Take a listen, and let's take a walk and chat about it.
Reading: I've got Isabel Allende's House of Spirits for book club, Ann Lamott's Somehow on preorder, and Laurie R. King's The Lantern's Dance up next.
Speaking/Facilitation: I am presenting to Main Street Missouri next week on arts entrepreneurship and getting my presentation together for Main Street Now in Birmingham, Alabama, on Messy Inclusive Boards. I'm also stepping into a facilitation project for teams in Appalachia and am so excited to help them on their entrepreneurship journey. If you are looking for a speaker or a skilled facilitator for your conference, let's talk about how I might be a good fit.
Oh yes. All my life I’ve been told that I’m too much, too big, too expressive, too hyper, too outspoken, too honest, too emotional, too intimidating. My voice is too loud. My laugh is too loud. My footsteps are too loud. My gestures are too big, too spazzy, too animated. My face is too animated. My clothes are too bright. My style is too weird. I am too weird. It goes on and on and on. Simultaneously, I’m so talented that I am equally “not enough.” 😝
Of course, I was a female athlete and academic in Northern Minnesota of the 70s & 80s. I was destined to become a professional belly dancer, a religion-less spiritual mystic, and a multiple degree black belt—but I was born into conservative, sex-phobic, Minnesota Nice Catholicism. I visited the Vatican. Once. And then I truly understood.
With one awesome exception, I worked as a secretary and executive assistant in offices all run by men, some of whom were more swaggering, domineering and controlling than others (if not outright abusive and sexually harassing). The restaurants I performed at were owned by very sweet men, but they all came from cultures even more patriarchal than the States, and being a belly dancer in general…well…enough said. Being a female martial artist and one of the only fighter chicks in medieval armor? Even worse. Even among the Almighty Sisterhoods of belly dance and sister circles I’ve been told I’m too much. But I’m a Fire Sign, AuDHD, a loudmouth activist, and an innovator.
Oh yeah. As a 23 year survivor of TBI and spinal degeneration with the body awareness and health needs of a pro athlete, don’t even get me started on the… *issues* I’ve had with doctors—mostly male or the masculinized femininity that abounds in a field where women have to battle so hard to get half the distance. “Hysterical Female Syndrome” has been one of my main diagnoses since 1992. Because I open my mouth. Too much.
Same reasons why I don’t even date any more. Especially when voicing my needs and my NO one too many times to one too many of my partners eventually incited them to violence. One of them put me on disability when he tried to put me in my place. Didn’t work. Obviously. Because here I am again. Being my full, unapologetic rainbow-bright self.
🔥🌈😜🌈🔥
So heck yes! Creating this space is one of my main missions. Woot!
Though I haven’t yet been told to “tone it down” in the workplace (knock on wood), I have experienced it in a personal relationship, in the way you describe so well as a subtle questioning of one’s ability and intention. Over time it became debilitating. It’s so important to remind one another to be on the lookout for those red flags in all relationships.